I have a confession. I still think about my “ex”- more than I care to. It has been more than a year since we last saw each other, and it’s taken that long for me to be willing to sit down and unpack it in an honest way, looking fairly at both sides… Since I have no plans to speak to him in the near future, have him blocked on ALL social media and have blocked his number… I wrote a letter to help process (when in doubt, write. Always.). I don’t have anywhere to send it and no one to read it, so I guess it’s up to you, dear reader. Names have been taken out because frankly, it’s none of your business who this is too.
Hi. It’s been a while. I wish I could say that I’m sorry about that, but I genuinely believe that is better for each of us that we’re not in touch- I know it’s at least better for me. I could never tell where I stood with you… not necessarily because you were unclear, but because I think I spent too much time wishing for a different reality- one in which you returned the feelings I pretended not to have.
If you happen to come up in conversation, I tell people we don’t talk anymore for –insert random reason here– but the real reason I stopped talking to you is that I realized that I was being unfair to both of us after I reacted so strongly when you said we had never dated because I needed someone “more obedient.” I mean, it was a fucked up thing for you to say, and I was right to be mad for how you handled that situation including the way you spoke of my relationship with David (that’s my ex’s name, by the way… but I digress). It was a shitty thing to say for so many reasons, most specifically because you hit me right in my biggest insecurity that I am not worth enforcing my own boundaries. I think I love(d) you- which made hearing that all the worse. I want to give you the EQ credit of knowing that you;d understand what those words could do, but I also (still) don’t want to think that of you… I’m torn, I guess.
And the Girlfriend thing… I hope you both are happy. Honestly, I do. I worry more for her though. Every time I think of you two together, I flashback to eating sushi at that joint across the street from the Toy R Us near the apartment you lived in with your brother when you admitted that you resented her because you “knew” you were better than her. It wasn’t just posturing or because I was a willing audience to your venting- I could see your truth of your beliefs in your eyes. I hope that truth has changed since then because I can’t imagine how lonely it would be to stay in a relationship with those dynamics.
We were connected for long enough that being disconnected is still hard- even a year later. That block button on social media is pretty awesome, let me tell you. Please know that at its roots, my decision to use it on you was borne of a need for my own peace of mind. I know myself well enough to know that I’d constantly be checking in on your social media if I didn’t sever all connections… and that would be counterproductive to my healing. Your habit of randomly “liking” selfies that are years old doesn’t help.
While at my most optimistic, I hope that this is the last of my need to “speak with” you, I unfortunately don;t think it will be. In case it is though, I hope you know that I wish you well.