It’s been a process….

Tonight, I took myself out to dessert and a drink as a reward for finishing my first week and did some journaling, reflecting on my last few years.

Five years ago today, I was in Vegas with Hero’s Last Mission on my first road trip with them.

Four years ago today, I was in Washington DC lobbying for reproductive rights and comprehensive sex ed with Planned Parenthood, getting ready for my senior year of college and my RA position.

Three years ago today, I was decompressing after what was arguably the hardest year of my life, and reintegrating back into “real life” by house sitting and nanny-ing two incredible little boys.

Two years ago today, I was still reeling from the loss of a pretty important friendship at the hands of someone I had once considered another of my absolute closest friends, and the loss of Amanda’s cousin Kenny (RIP).

Last year on this day, my best friend, her husband, and I participated in the lamest blacklight 5k ever, but it was still incredibly important to me because I moved into full ownership of my body by baring my midriff and giving zero fucks if anyone noticed or cared.

This year, I finished the last assignments of my first week in a post-graduate program. I spent most of the day with my mom going to a vintage shop and faced down my fear of being in front of the lens by taking part in a music video for Hero’s Last Mission.

The past five years have been so transformative, if not pressure-filled and incredibly tough. I have survived things I’d never wish on anyone else, I have grown so much emotionally, I’ve been broken down and built taller than I was before, I have found and lost incredible friendships and relationships, and I’ve done it all while always trying to press forward. This week in particular, I have been more reflective than usual- on how much I’ve changed, and how ridiculously blessed my life is even at its most challenging. Where a couple of short years ago there were insecurities, second-guessing, and self-deprecation, there is now honesty, forgiveness, and a demand for respect (both from others and myself).

I am still unnecessarily surprised at positive happenings in my life, like complimentary feedback from professors or when someone finds me attractive… but I kinda like that I don’t automatically expect or need those things. I get most of what I need from myself now, or I ask for what I need.